Word vomit

To say the least, life has been hell. My thoughts are dark and twisted and since I can't afford a professional I'm turning to my writing. If you don't like it and it's too much for you don't read. You've been warned. I dream almost every night my son suffocating. I wake up panicking and crying because I couldn't save him. The doctor said there's nothing I could do to save him but I can't help but blame myself. I punish myself for my son dying. If only I'd of been a better mother, a better person, and checked on him that night maybe he'd still be here. What is SIDS anyway? A doctors excuse for not looking hard enough? Is it really true you can't tell because they're too small and he could of really suffocated? Did I kill my child? Do i deserve to love and have a life if I killed my sweet boy? I'll never know. I get to live my life wondering if I was the cause of my sons death. That in itself is just torture. I won't know until my heart stops beating and who knows when that'll be...60 years? Do you have any idea what it's like living everyday like that? Getting out of bed is a joke and my smile is empty. I lost my soul 9/16/12 and I won't get it back. Nothing is appealing anymore. My PTSD is at it's peak and I've told ppl but no one listens. How much longer can i do this?

Better day

Finally a day I didn't cry all day long. Not a night terror haunting my mind last night. I met someone and having arms around me holding me tight gives me some comfort. I love my son and I feel him everyday mending this huge hole in my heart. It doesn't feel shattered anymore, but by no means is it complete. I've had thoughts of adoption and this is progress for me in this difficult journey. I'm thankful for one day of peace and comfort. I know my angel is watching over me. I want to make a difference in this world because of him. Share my story and help others through this life. Goal for the year...help another in a similar situation see the light at the end of the dark tunnel of life.

Calling all angels

It's been a 3.5 months since my angel left my arms. The pain is still the same. It's unchanged. I actually feel worse as the new year rolled around. As the clock ticked down to the new year I felt myself falling more and more apart. I have to start a whole new year without him. I'm still very angry with god and mourning very deeply. No one seems to understand and that I am just being negative. I lost my son..How am I supposed to be positive? He was my whole world and in an instant he was taken from me. I get upset when people ask if I'm ok even tho I know they have good intentions it still gets under my skin. This song is for Ryker it was sang at his funeral and I will never ever EVER forget my son. I will always miss him and I will NEVER get over it. I love you so much Goob.

1/10/13

I keep thinking everyday I wake up things will look a tad brighter...but it doesn't. I have a dark cloud surrounding me, suffocating me, and it won't let me go. I brought out Ryker's things today and listened to his favorite music as I wept. When I'm sad people always ask what's wrong....did they already forget about my son? Am I the only one still holding on to his memory? This new year has been full of tears and anger. I just want my son. He completed me.I never wanted anything else or anyone else. How can God take my world from me when he's already taken so much from me. He was my happiness and no one will understand my love for him because it goes beyond mother/son bond. He completed me. He saved me. I needed him in my life and I have never has such a glow about me..I didn't care if the sperm donor was absent. That didn't matter, I had him. Then in a split moment....he's gone. How can I expect anyone to understand that? In this I feel so alone.

-Becca

Ryker Gray Smith

Many people dream of angels but I got to hold one in my arms. When I found out I was pregnant I was terrified and unsure if I was capable to handle such a big responsibility, but even from the beginning I wanted you. Everyday as you grew inside my belly my heart grew too. I remember the first ultra sound where you were just a peanut and I instantly loved you. As you grew and started moving around I'd take every second to stop and feel each punch and kick even if it hurt. Lol You were my world and I hadn't even met you. I couldn't even imagine the love I'd feel when I saw your face. On July 12  2012 at 4:30 in the morning my water broke and AFTER my shower and hair styling I drove myself to the hospital. When I got there contractions were two minutes apart and I was completely effaced. You were ready...I wasn't. lol As the contractions got more and more intense I felt like I was literally losing my mind. Even with morphine it hurt like a bi*ch. I was dilating so quickly I was lucky to get my epidural. As soon as it came time to push it didn't take long for you to come into this world. The instant I saw you my whole world turned upside down, in a good way, and the burning love I felt for you was fierce. Ryker Gray Smith 6lbs 13oz 19.5in long born at 12:30pm. You were my everything, nothing else mattered. I held you close and refused to have you out of my sight unless I absolutely had to, then I'd be calling them not long after telling them to bring you back. I stayed with you there for 3 days then packed our stuff and headed out to start our journey together. I will admit I was overwhelmed at times but even with 2 hours of sleep I admired your perfect face and held you close. As you grew and started sharing your personality with me I couldn't help but laugh. You made expressions, smiled, coo'd,and giggled for me no one else. I snuggled you in the shower with me every day and dressed you up in the cutest outfits. I adored you. I have never seen such a perfect child. You had these beautiful blue eyes, blonde hair, in a mohawk of course, and the cutest cheeks I've ever seen. On September 16 2012 I lived out any parents worst nightmare. I awoke to find my sweet baby in his bassinet pale and blotchy faced. I was instantly in a state of panic I didn't know what to do so I ran to my moms house, which was 3 doors down. I felt like I was carrying a rag doll and your body fell limp. I knew you were gone. I burst into my mothers house screaming to call 911 as I sat outside while they did CPR the sound of sirens filled my ears. How could this happen to me? Why did God take my life away from me? I was in shock. As we sat in the hospital waiting for the news we already knew we wept together as a family. Holding him praying for a miracle that never came. My baby was gone. The Friday following we had his funeral. Parents aren't supposed to bury their children. I held him one last time and he felt like a China doll cold and frail as glass. This wasn't my goober this was impossible. SIDS is very rare and my doctor was actually told this would probably be the only case he'd see his entire career. Why me? What did I do to deserve this? I'm living a nightmare. I've lost the one thing in my life that mattered. All i'm left with is empty arms and a hole in my heart, but this wasn't a tragedy it was a  love story. I needed him and he needed me. I never wanted to be a mom until I had Ryker. I fit into the role of motherhood so naturally so easily. This hole will never be filled but I cannot let this consume me. Ryker would be so upset if I just gave up. Everyday hurts and no it doesn't get better it gets harder. I no longer fear death but i'm not seeking it out. I'm just cruising through this life until it's my time and I get to hold my world again. I wouldn't trade those 9 weeks for anything. I love you baby boy

I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.

Alright ladies and Gents. It's been awhile since I have posted and ALOT has happened. Me and Jason Wright are no more which wasn't what we could of predicted but everything happens for a reason and people fall apart so better things can fall together. I am a full believer in that....even more so since I found my better half...but we will talk more about that later haha. I have learned that the only people you can depend on are your family and yourself. (family includes you Stella before you get offended haha) I have the most amazing family and I don't know what I would do without them. This picture above was last year up in Canada with my amazing family and Grandparents on my dad's side. I am going up there again August 5-15th an I cannot even wait. Things are really looking up for me and I am truly happy and if you know me and have kept good contact with me you will know this is true. I have a lot in store for me and I am very excited about it. I have amazing people in my life that I wouldn't trade for anything. For once things are looking promising.

Alright and here we go. I'm too excited not to tell you. Hopefully this time I don't jinx myself cuz it was rather embarrassing the last time I announced a relationship haha. Everyone this is Jay and he's simply INCREDIBLE. Not only has this kid swept me off my feet but he's becoming my best friend. I won't talk too much about him until later so that way i don't, like i said, jinx myself. haha But, I like him and I hope to keep him if possible lol. Time will tell.

Not the best week

So this week has surely been a rough one for me. A lot going on at the moment and it's taking it's toll. I've never had so many emotions at one time. I kinda feel lost in my life at the moment. Unsure what I'm supposed to do and what path I'm supposed to be taking. It's kind of a helpless feeling. Got some news about the boyfriend that is very difficult to take in. Everything just seems to be going in the wrong direction and it's only getting harder. I don't know how much more I can take to be honest. I'm extremely confused right now and I have a lot to think about. I just found out not long ago my Grandpa has only a year or two left because his cancer has progressed so rapidly, than the whole Jason thing, and all the other stresses on top of it with the business and second job. It's been one hell of a week. I'm honestly at a state where I literally don't know what to do. I hate that feeling most of all. Looks like I have a lot of thinking to do and decisions to make..Wish me luck.