Word vomit

To say the least, life has been hell. My thoughts are dark and twisted and since I can't afford a professional I'm turning to my writing. If you don't like it and it's too much for you don't read. You've been warned. I dream almost every night my son suffocating. I wake up panicking and crying because I couldn't save him. The doctor said there's nothing I could do to save him but I can't help but blame myself. I punish myself for my son dying. If only I'd of been a better mother, a better person, and checked on him that night maybe he'd still be here. What is SIDS anyway? A doctors excuse for not looking hard enough? Is it really true you can't tell because they're too small and he could of really suffocated? Did I kill my child? Do i deserve to love and have a life if I killed my sweet boy? I'll never know. I get to live my life wondering if I was the cause of my sons death. That in itself is just torture. I won't know until my heart stops beating and who knows when that'll be...60 years? Do you have any idea what it's like living everyday like that? Getting out of bed is a joke and my smile is empty. I lost my soul 9/16/12 and I won't get it back. Nothing is appealing anymore. My PTSD is at it's peak and I've told ppl but no one listens. How much longer can i do this?

Better day

Finally a day I didn't cry all day long. Not a night terror haunting my mind last night. I met someone and having arms around me holding me tight gives me some comfort. I love my son and I feel him everyday mending this huge hole in my heart. It doesn't feel shattered anymore, but by no means is it complete. I've had thoughts of adoption and this is progress for me in this difficult journey. I'm thankful for one day of peace and comfort. I know my angel is watching over me. I want to make a difference in this world because of him. Share my story and help others through this life. Goal for the year...help another in a similar situation see the light at the end of the dark tunnel of life.

Calling all angels

It's been a 3.5 months since my angel left my arms. The pain is still the same. It's unchanged. I actually feel worse as the new year rolled around. As the clock ticked down to the new year I felt myself falling more and more apart. I have to start a whole new year without him. I'm still very angry with god and mourning very deeply. No one seems to understand and that I am just being negative. I lost my son..How am I supposed to be positive? He was my whole world and in an instant he was taken from me. I get upset when people ask if I'm ok even tho I know they have good intentions it still gets under my skin. This song is for Ryker it was sang at his funeral and I will never ever EVER forget my son. I will always miss him and I will NEVER get over it. I love you so much Goob.

1/10/13

I keep thinking everyday I wake up things will look a tad brighter...but it doesn't. I have a dark cloud surrounding me, suffocating me, and it won't let me go. I brought out Ryker's things today and listened to his favorite music as I wept. When I'm sad people always ask what's wrong....did they already forget about my son? Am I the only one still holding on to his memory? This new year has been full of tears and anger. I just want my son. He completed me.I never wanted anything else or anyone else. How can God take my world from me when he's already taken so much from me. He was my happiness and no one will understand my love for him because it goes beyond mother/son bond. He completed me. He saved me. I needed him in my life and I have never has such a glow about me..I didn't care if the sperm donor was absent. That didn't matter, I had him. Then in a split moment....he's gone. How can I expect anyone to understand that? In this I feel so alone.

-Becca