Many people dream of angels but I got to hold one in my arms. When I found out I was pregnant I was terrified and unsure if I was capable to handle such a big responsibility, but even from the beginning I wanted you. Everyday as you grew inside my belly my heart grew too. I remember the first ultra sound where you were just a peanut and I instantly loved you. As you grew and started moving around I'd take every second to stop and feel each punch and kick even if it hurt. Lol You were my world and I hadn't even met you. I couldn't even imagine the love I'd feel when I saw your face. On July 12 2012 at 4:30 in the morning my water broke and AFTER my shower and hair styling I drove myself to the hospital. When I got there contractions were two minutes apart and I was completely effaced. You were ready...I wasn't. lol As the contractions got more and more intense I felt like I was literally losing my mind. Even with morphine it hurt like a bi*ch. I was dilating so quickly I was lucky to get my epidural. As soon as it came time to push it didn't take long for you to come into this world. The instant I saw you my whole world turned upside down, in a good way, and the burning love I felt for you was fierce. Ryker Gray Smith 6lbs 13oz 19.5in long born at 12:30pm. You were my everything, nothing else mattered. I held you close and refused to have you out of my sight unless I absolutely had to, then I'd be calling them not long after telling them to bring you back. I stayed with you there for 3 days then packed our stuff and headed out to start our journey together. I will admit I was overwhelmed at times but even with 2 hours of sleep I admired your perfect face and held you close. As you grew and started sharing your personality with me I couldn't help but laugh. You made expressions, smiled, coo'd,and giggled for me no one else. I snuggled you in the shower with me every day and dressed you up in the cutest outfits. I adored you. I have never seen such a perfect child. You had these beautiful blue eyes, blonde hair, in a mohawk of course, and the cutest cheeks I've ever seen. On September 16 2012 I lived out any parents worst nightmare. I awoke to find my sweet baby in his bassinet pale and blotchy faced. I was instantly in a state of panic I didn't know what to do so I ran to my moms house, which was 3 doors down. I felt like I was carrying a rag doll and your body fell limp. I knew you were gone. I burst into my mothers house screaming to call 911 as I sat outside while they did CPR the sound of sirens filled my ears. How could this happen to me? Why did God take my life away from me? I was in shock. As we sat in the hospital waiting for the news we already knew we wept together as a family. Holding him praying for a miracle that never came. My baby was gone. The Friday following we had his funeral. Parents aren't supposed to bury their children. I held him one last time and he felt like a China doll cold and frail as glass. This wasn't my goober this was impossible. SIDS is very rare and my doctor was actually told this would probably be the only case he'd see his entire career. Why me? What did I do to deserve this? I'm living a nightmare. I've lost the one thing in my life that mattered. All i'm left with is empty arms and a hole in my heart, but this wasn't a tragedy it was a love story. I needed him and he needed me. I never wanted to be a mom until I had Ryker. I fit into the role of motherhood so naturally so easily. This hole will never be filled but I cannot let this consume me. Ryker would be so upset if I just gave up. Everyday hurts and no it doesn't get better it gets harder. I no longer fear death but i'm not seeking it out. I'm just cruising through this life until it's my time and I get to hold my world again. I wouldn't trade those 9 weeks for anything. I love you baby boy
